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Now that you are super-famous and just got a $350,000 book deal, I hope you remember the little people, the random bloggers, the Debbie Galants of the world, who discovered you, like, five days ago.

Back then — and it’s such a lost world, so distant, so innocent– hardly anybody I knew had heard of you, and just uttering the words “A blog called Stuff White People Like,” like I did at my Barnes and Noble reading on Tuesday night, actually had a hint of scandal in it. Such Edith Wharton times!

Of course, by Thursday, when I did my Cafe Eclectic reading, the hint of scandal was gone. Everybody just nodded knowingly and laughed.

Anyway, I was calling because I thought you might need a Stuff White People Like Gal.

I hope I’m not coming on too strong. And seriously, dude, I respect your book deal. I’m just writing to say, why should limit your franchise to just one medium? What if Roy Krok had said, “Okay, Bantam, $350,000. Here’s the secret recipe. It’s just a flat hamburger. Ha-ha. Out-a-here!”

You know what? Billions and billions would not have sold, McDonald’s wouldn’t be part of the Dow Jones Industrial Average, there might still be rainforests… Or maybe this is before your time? Too Stuff White Baby Boomers Used to Like, Before They Became Enlightened. (See #48.)

Christian — and I hope you don’t mind me calling you Christian? Why don’t you call me Jewish? That will be so symmetrical — do white people like symmetry? What I’m trying to say here is that you shouldn’t stop at a book deal. You should be thinking about all your expansion possibilities. A whole network of Stuff White People Like media properties. Bloggers across the country! Podcasters! Then there’s the licensing stuff. Stuff White People Like Stuffed Animals! Stuff White People Like fast food restaurants! Where raw carrots would always be on the menu, even in the Midwest. Think how you could change the world!

(My God, Christian, you didn’t sell all those rights in your book deal, did you? You did use a lawyer?)

To jumpstart your media empire, I’ve already purchased stuffwhitechickslike.com, stuffwhiteboomerslike.com, and jewishpeoplelikestufftoo.com. Even without extensive research on your current list, I can tell you that these are underrepresented and underserved demographics for you, and therefore represent good opportunities for expansion.

Of course, since there’s a possibility of the beginning of a Stuff White People Like backlash, I suggest you act soon.

Let’s do sushi.

Yrs Trly,

[Stuff White People Like Guy wrote back to say “That’s a pretty serious empire,” and to write him back in a month when he finishes his book deadline. I responded:]
Could you do me a favor though? You know how “Skinny Bitch” got to the bestseller charts just because Posh Spice was photographed holding it?

Could I sent you my new book, “Fear and Yoga in New Jersey,” and have you carry it around everywhere you go? It would really not be a lot of trouble for you, and it might do wonders for my book. Particularly if you are seen in the right kind of places (which I’m sure you already know.) Then, when your book comes out, I could repay you by carrying your book around! And I would be a bestselling author. Everybody wins!
[No correspondence since. {sigh}]